A Special Lady

Even as i know i want to start writing i am still at a lost for words cause not only is my heart in pain but i have done something very wrong. I know this girl, who i must say is a very wonderful person. She seems to have the answer to everything, and she is quite comic. She will not hesitate to tell you the truth but she does have sympathy for when it is needed. She was always there for me when i needed help. She would help me with things without even asking sometimes i found her more and more interesting. Although i loved how she helped me, i really enjoyed her company. We would have very intriguing conversations and from time to time we would have a good laugh. She calls me Rookie. I always found this funny. She is so full of knowledge that i do not possess that she must insist of belittling me, although i like the concept of it. However, she is currently in a life or death situation, and i was not there when i should have been to help her. And i do not know exactly what to do now. I never saw this coming. I never wanted to lose her. She means so much to me. I really love her as a person. She is better then half the people i know who claim themselves as my best friend. The whole reason behind her leaving is my own jealousy. I got mad over something that has happened and i just could not seem to get over it. So in order to fix the situation she is being removed from. But this does not seem right to me. I can get over whatever it is on my own, i wish for her to remain in my life. I should have not agreed earlier but at it seemed like i had no power to fix it. The days afterwards i was so confused on how she is or where she will go. Somehow i knew in my mind i wanted to figure out how to get her to stay. But i think i may have acted too late. She is highly upset with me, cause of all she has ever done for me, i could not be there to help her. And this is all my fault. It is one of the worst pains i have ever felt in a long time. I am practically killing someone, someone who is beautiful and deserves life. Sure she may have made some choices i may not have agreed with but still she has rights to do as she pleases, she is not entitled to me. I am shedding tears for her. Her phone is off, and here i am suffering at the idea of killing her. She does not deserve this. God made her to live and do wonderful things, not die for someone else's problem. And i know i have to fix this immediately, even if it may jeopardize things, but id rather keep a life and be in pain then allow someone to die over my own issue and be even worse. I want to tell her im sorry and hold her tightly to me, but what will this do? Things are already too far deep in. I want to tell her how heart broken i am with the fact i may loose her. I want her to know what she meant to me. I want her to stay here forever. I am still growing mentally and things are getting better but still need improvement. But there is always room for improvement. And even when she is on the brink of her end she still insists on helping me. I feel like a really bad person. I feel like the reason why she does not care for people too much. I feel like i am the type of thing she would protect from.I can not write anymore it is hurting me too much...i just hope i can get her stay. If she can stay i will be one happy person.