A Special Lady

Even as i know i want to start writing i am still at a lost for words cause not only is my heart in pain but i have done something very wrong. I know this girl, who i must say is a very wonderful person. She seems to have the answer to everything, and she is quite comic. She will not hesitate to tell you the truth but she does have sympathy for when it is needed. She was always there for me when i needed help. She would help me with things without even asking sometimes i found her more and more interesting. Although i loved how she helped me, i really enjoyed her company. We would have very intriguing conversations and from time to time we would have a good laugh. She calls me Rookie. I always found this funny. She is so full of knowledge that i do not possess that she must insist of belittling me, although i like the concept of it. However, she is currently in a life or death situation, and i was not there when i should have been to help her. And i do not know exactly what to do now. I never saw this coming. I never wanted to lose her. She means so much to me. I really love her as a person. She is better then half the people i know who claim themselves as my best friend. The whole reason behind her leaving is my own jealousy. I got mad over something that has happened and i just could not seem to get over it. So in order to fix the situation she is being removed from. But this does not seem right to me. I can get over whatever it is on my own, i wish for her to remain in my life. I should have not agreed earlier but at it seemed like i had no power to fix it. The days afterwards i was so confused on how she is or where she will go. Somehow i knew in my mind i wanted to figure out how to get her to stay. But i think i may have acted too late. She is highly upset with me, cause of all she has ever done for me, i could not be there to help her. And this is all my fault. It is one of the worst pains i have ever felt in a long time. I am practically killing someone, someone who is beautiful and deserves life. Sure she may have made some choices i may not have agreed with but still she has rights to do as she pleases, she is not entitled to me. I am shedding tears for her. Her phone is off, and here i am suffering at the idea of killing her. She does not deserve this. God made her to live and do wonderful things, not die for someone else's problem. And i know i have to fix this immediately, even if it may jeopardize things, but id rather keep a life and be in pain then allow someone to die over my own issue and be even worse. I want to tell her im sorry and hold her tightly to me, but what will this do? Things are already too far deep in. I want to tell her how heart broken i am with the fact i may loose her. I want her to know what she meant to me. I want her to stay here forever. I am still growing mentally and things are getting better but still need improvement. But there is always room for improvement. And even when she is on the brink of her end she still insists on helping me. I feel like a really bad person. I feel like the reason why she does not care for people too much. I feel like i am the type of thing she would protect from.I can not write anymore it is hurting me too much...i just hope i can get her stay. If she can stay i will be one happy person.

A Curse

A brain full of space where knowledge is meant to be

Yet it is filled will all these things that are easy to believe

Open textbooks speak about what we are supposed to know

To write on those dead trees to ascertain a letter to grow 

A figure dressed up to stand in your way

Motivated and taught by other minds to teach you what to say

But such a character was never taught to teach you deeper stuff

The buildings with the bags and pens never taught us about feelings and love

Endless nights trying to push to finish your research

Writing so hard your fingers begin to blister while your head hurts

They told us to be diligent and manage our time right

But they do not think about the souls who are sad and cry themselves to sleep at night

Maybe it is a struggle that is worth the pain and suffering

With all the problems you may have while you just keep wondering

If the day will come when you can quench your successful thirst

Or if you will remain trapped in your mind under the school's curse

Never Ending

The past few days have been very calming and relaxed surprisingly. I have not been really stressing the things i normally would, however there is still some proof of over thinking here and there but it is beginning to relax. Sadly it took me to just stop caring about everything in order to suppress the over thinking in the first place. If anything were to have happen i probably would have just brushed it off as if it was supposed to happen anyway. This is with any situation that could have came my way.  But now i brought my feelings back in to place so i am choosing wisely what to care about and what not to care about. If i put too much of an effort into something and it goes wrong it might degrade my mental progress. I am quite fearful that something can trigger my over thinking still, but right now i am hoping it is permanently subdued. I smile more, i'm getting my sense of humor back, little things are not bothering me as much, and i can talk to the special person without thinking i will lose them easily. It is a good feeling. The next thing i need to work on now is building up my confidence and stop letting my insecurities get the best of me sometimes. Maybe by then i can be quite a guy.

An Apology

Lately i have been studying myself and i have finally come to a conclusion. So i been talking to a special person for quite some time now. We are practically meant for each other i may say. But i notice that she has not been so fond of my over-thinking dilemmas and my jealousy of this one particular person. In reality, i would say my only concern as of one right now is this guy. Now i have no problem with him except the possibility he may try to do things with her. That is really it. So being i overthink, i make up too many scenarios which begins to bother me. Ultimately this leads to me affecting this special persons mood. I trust her completely hanging out with this guy although i have some fear of something happening. But even if anything does come about i will not hold anything against her cause i know it was not her fault. I have been texting her relentlessly which is a very bad thing being this other kid she knows does it and it is quite annoying. But the only reason why i did this is because i did not her from her all day. But this is not a good excuse cause i could have texted at least one good time and just wait. But i need her company so bad cause i just felt so down and bad for getting so riled up over this guy. I am better then this, and i know how she feels about me doesnt compare to her feelings towards anyone else. And this is my fault entirely for letting anything get this bad and far. I really hope she can forgive me for all the problems and all the texts i been sending her. Cause quite frankly all this nonsense is not even worth losing her over. I love her, and i need to start proving it in a better manner.

Take a load off

Do people indent on these? I find myself pressing tab but it does not indent. It is sort of bothering me but i guess it does not matter. Im listening to the sound of rain on Rainymood.com. It is the most relaxing thing i have ever heard. Especially while i play instrumentals written in minor key sounds. It really tickles my mood to help relax. When im not feeling well or when i am not in a good mood, i generally feel hot. Like as if my body temperature is abnormally warm. And i do not find anything funny. I may come off as angry or brutally serious when i am not in a good mood. Something as simple as humming or the sound of someone drinking drives me insane. I hate being in a bad mood. It sucks my great qualities out of me and turns me into this straight faced shell. I also hate getting nervous. The smallest sense of nervousness makes my body tremble or shake. I tend to laugh cause it relieves me of the shaking, or essentially distracts me from it. Some people find this confusing but it is just how i am naturally. It took me a while to even understand this about myself actually. Sometimes you have to stare at yourself in the mirror and just observe. You may discover something new that you did not notice before. For example like today, although it did involve a mirror, i found out that i really lack confidence. Like i lack it so much that even when i am right about something i will knock myself to a point that i feel as if i am wrong. I am pretty sure that if i had legitimate confidence i would not over-think as much. As a male honestly i think its the most unattractive thing about myself. My lack of confidence. I am not even sure how to build it since i always look at other confident people and wonder why i can not be the same way. Ultimately i just loose hope and accept the fact i will never be confident. Some of you may think that its stupid to compare myself to others but how can you not? Sometimes people have things you wish you had too, not to be better then them but just to help yourself without needing someone all the time to make you happy or keep a smile on your face. That probably bothers me the most right about now. I love having people who can make me smile or make me happy, but the fact i cant even do it on my own scares me. Some of these people can go days without talking to me and be happy as can be. They do not need me. But for some reason i feel as though i need them. I wish i was more of a independent person. Thankfully i had someone who was willing to talk to me all day about building confidence. She's a cool person in reality. We had a difficult time at first but we are past the rough edges now. She gives me good advice sometimes....or even silly little phone calls to make me laugh or smile. I appreciate the little things like that. People who are willing to go their way out to get to me instead of wanting me to do everything first all the time. That really makes me uncomfortable after a while. I do not mind, but sometimes i like to be missed. Maybe i should stop contacting people so much and just leave them. Perhaps they will miss me, or perhaps they will not. I guess in reality it shows peoples true colors. I always hated that line between being someone that is clingy, versus someone that is consistent. I could never tell which one i am being since i like to check up a lot on certain things only since i care. Or i enjoy texting a bundle of things at once. Sometimes i like to leave things for someone to read. Not anything useless but something thoughtful. I never really could tell. And i would hate having to ask cause it seems like something that should be quite obvious. You ever just wonder why if one person ruins your mood or isnt there for you when you need them, you shift into a not so happy mood? i always wonder why. Thats all i wanted to say for today. I still dont know how to end these so...Talk to you soon.

New Kid Here

So lately i have been feeling a little stuck inside my own mind. This is probably one of the worst places to be on earth when my thoughts feel the need to stray away to the dark side of things. In reality this probably one of my biggest flaws. If i did not over-think at all i would probably be the coolest person anyone would know. I am always making people laugh, smile, or just making their day from mere conversation when my mind is sober with normal thoughts. But once it begins to feel intoxicated with all this madness i turn into a person who worries and stresses frequently. It is very annoying. It is like watching my own self ruin something that was never a problem in the first place. My over-thinking started around the beginning of middle school. I was always that kid that was bullied until he cried in a corner somewhere. No one found me cool or interesting. People used to knock my clothes and say i was ugly. Eventually when i learned the concept of being depressed i realized thats what that burning feeling inside my body was all that time. So as the years progressed i never had anyone to help me with my issues since no one cared to talk to me. Until i met some friends. But i never felt the need to vent to them about depressed state since they always made me laugh and smile. So i guess the problem was pushed to the back of my head. The older i got, the worse it grew however. I tried talking to my parents about it but they always gave me a lecture about being grateful for having life in the first place. This is true but why did people feel the need to treat me as if i was worth nothing? Sometimes the comments still pop up in my head and i feel insecure or uncomfortable with myself. In this present day, i am more confident and relaxed but sometimes i over-think still. And when i do, it is horrible. It is like being locked in a dark room with piercing red eyes staring you down, with whispers tormenting you of all the things that could possibly happen. I may start calling this The Black Box. This box is growing weaker each day however. I been getting help from a very special person and they always say something that sticks to my mind and shrinks the space The Black Box has. Sooner or later i will rid myself of this horrible disease in my head. The sooner i do, the better person i will become, dramatically. So im not sure how to end a post or anything but i will post more. This really helped i must say. See you around.