I want you.

Have you ever found something that you knew you wanted?

Something so amazing sprinkled with imperfections

A golden glow that will brighten your day

An aroma that sends your mind spiraling into space

Arms to hold you making everything okay

Have you ever wanted to tell them you wanted them?

Your lips grow stuck together from being shy

Their eyes peer into you making life melt

Your body grows tense and you have lost yourself

The time passes you by and you feel like it is too late

Have you ever felt like you lost them?

You make a bunch of mistakes and you grow cold

You do not know how to help yourself

You feel like they will be better with someone else

Sometimes you just want to snatch them and tell them you love them

Have you ever felt like you love them more then anything?

You already know family comes first but they are in your heart

They signed it willingly making you fall so deep

You are not with them but you know you need them

You two connect like two worlds as one

Have you every just watched them?

Not like you are stalking them but you are enjoying the sight

Every little detail about their body gives you so much life

You know you're happy as soon as they come around

No matter how bad things get you never lose feeling for them

Have you ever wanted to make things right with them?

They may have grown fed up with things you do or how you may feel

They look at you less than their world and more as their neighborhood

You feel like you need to really step it up and claim whats yours

You do not want to own them, but you really want their heart back in your hands

Have you ever felt so confident about yourself?

You have got over your own issues and you feel good

You walk with your head up more then usual

You smile at everything and try to be positive

You focus on yourself and you come to grips with your situations

Have you ever felt like you could have a chance?

You notice their progressive change in your presence

You are making them laugh again and their hugs are growing tighter

You can feel the love they still have although they are distant

You know you can do it you just need patience

Have you ever just stopped worrying and felt happy?

You enjoy their company more then anything else

No matter what the situation is you learn to appreciate them more and more

You know how much you really love them if you can dedicate so much

You can look them in the eye and still have hope and faith

Have you ever just wanted them?

You watch them mingle and do their thing, independent

Everything they do seems so sexy and mature

You fully understand what it is about them that you love so much

You truly realize why you want them so much

Have you ever just tried again?

You are confident now

You have no worries

You are willing to take a chance

You love them with everything you got

Damn, i do.

I want you.

Smiling Again

Here's a quick update on how everything has been going. So my school year is already getting pretty hectic, filled with a lot of work and projects that have yet to come. Unfortunately i have never found myself caught in so much drama in such a short amount of time. So Miss has started talking to her Ex again. The guy who almost crushed without an apology and left her heart astray. She decided to speak to him and he started to vent almost immediately. He talked about hi suffering of ignoring her for all that time and still loving her. Me quite frankly i dont know how to feel, but i know i want to be happy for Miss for finally relieving herself of this burden. She was dying to hear from him and now she has her wish. She does not trust him quite yet and i dont blame her. It's great he apologized but there's so emotion behind him. I feel unusual about the fact that he may love her and chase her. Although she does not want a relationship, i dont want any guy challenging my grasp on her heart. I would be broken to pieces if someone else can hold her heart in their hands instead of me. I wish to be her one and only male company in a lovely manner. So far it seems no one can compare to me. I feel like i am just right for her. But then again i dont feel right for her at all. It's such a annoying thing to deal with mentally. A couple days ago there's was this horrible incident where i came to school and my closer friends started saying she was flirting and mingling with her ex. Now it did not really bother me at first cause i trust her enough to know she would at least tell me herself if it anything was going on. But it seems like the more people kept pressing me and the more i thought about it i just started to feel at a lost to maintain my overthinking. Then she came out from her practice walking with him happily. At that moment i shifted into a darker area of my mind. But in reality she was only happy that things were going so well. She read in her play called murder and got a part i believe. Im so proud. Anyways, not knowing that i didnt acknowledge her presence, it seemed as though ppl were ignoring her. So she kept walking with him. I just remember walking with Megan and i ended up losing myself cause i wanted to know who started the rumor of them talking. When i confronted the person their explanation only exaggerated things. Then my friend begins to cry. And i grow frustrated and i storm off trying to relax to not make the situation seem so bad. Then i stumble upon the tall guy who sat depressed, but far beyond i ever seen. My friend then makes attempts to confront Miss and him i follow behind her. Something about watching Miss and him walk together made me feel so hot inside, then i remember cursing and marching away. Next thing i remember is running into a stair well where i see Miss standing there. She's watching me...with a disturbing look in her eyes. I wanted to stand by the bars behind her to think for a second but she insisted i should sit down. But as things grew harder to explain she stormed away. At that moment i knew it wasnt even worth stressing over cause her happiness was in jeopardy. I never seen her so hurt and tired. I almost could not bear the sight. We eventually stumble outside, a mess and emotional. I tried my best to calm her down as well as myself. But she was past her limits...way past. Death lurked inside her body. After people finding out of the drama, i ended talking face to face with him. I looked into his eyes and i felt the need to forgive him. I'm not sure why but i felt no need to feel any animosity towards him. But i still do not trust him. Im jealous of him. Anyways, the he started talking about Miss's life and what either of us should do. He admits he will keep chasing her, as i say i dont say i will directly but i know I'll never leave her side regardless of what i ms to her. But i fear the day she trusts him, will she still love me? Or fall back in love with him? Who knows. So afterwards the tall guy ran away. Everyone was convinced he was going to commit suicide. So me and Miss go looking for him, but she ends up on the phone with him and he says he's coming back. So as we walk back to the school a truck starts to come and Miss stands in the way. I never wanted to yank her arm off so badly or shove her. Im still not sure if she was going to try to kill herself at that moment had i not pull her, but it hurts me to know that she would leave me here all alone missing her so much knowing she won't come back. I dont think she understands how many ppl will be broken without her. A lot of ppl care about her. I know i do. I love her. I genuinely love her. And i understand why she got so mad at me when i talked about suicide. I dont ever want her to leave. Eventually we end up seeing tall guy i hug him, she hugs him too. It was such a relief. We decide too see our band teacher but Miss practically faints multiple times in my arms. But she pushed on. What a strong girl i tell you. Two days ago we had a band trip. It bothered me on how jealous i got that day. I really wanted her to sit next to me but she wanted to sit alone. However he gives her headphones but in order for him to use them she must sit next to him. Idek why but this upset me. I didnt like the idea of him making her laugh or smile while she lays on him the same way i do. Especially knowing his intentions intersect mine. It's annoying but by the end of the day there's not much to do about it. It's about what makes her shoot that matters to me. I just wished i didnt stress him so much. This was once her most special person and now he's more mature a better supposedly? I dont know how i can compare to him in her eyes, but I'm trying to maintain confidence within myself. I dont want to lose it, otherwise i will go insane over the thought of losing her. I love finding something or someone i really like. I try to hold onto it for as long as i can. However; i always ruin it for myself due to pessimistic nonsense. I cant ever win. I saw her yesterday. It always feels good to see her. There's something about her presence that makes me feel like nothing matters. It's just me and her. I love the feeling so much. It makes me forget everything i overthink about, and in those moments i have with her, i feel like she is my lady, my woman, my heart, my Faith. And i wish i could be in her company forever. She makes me smile. I'm smiling right now. I got to go though people im so tired i just felt the need to share. Talk to you soon.

Severe Confusion

So i have not blogged in quite some time so i figured i should give everyone a little update on how i am doing. Well for the most part, i survived the summer. Dedicating your heart to someone who goes through a lot is not as easy as it may sound on paper. If you really care you will be there from beginning to end of any situation that happens. I'm going to name this special Miss. Miss is one of thee most beautiful woman in my life.  I can talk to her for hours and hours and hours. I can not go a day without her. I am convinced i love her. From every second i breathe i think of her. I think of her when i wake up, all the way up until i fall asleep. I am absolutely addicted to this girl. This summer has been pretty hard for me as far as her. I came to realize that she does not want anything from me relationship wise and i just have to deal with it. I question sometimes if she only looks at me as friend while she believes that she loves me. But i understand where she's coming from however. She does not believe in public display of affection , but sometimes I'd like her to show me off. It's almost as if she wants to hide me from all her male friends. It's like she doesn't want any guy to know how she feels about me. And yet i always tell girls im talking to someone  or whatever the case maybe. I'd hope im not making a relationship out of this cause she can do whatever she wants. But i really do not want to play any games. This is the bad side of things though. Now she has been going through so much it's literally sickening. I can not stand all the things that happen to her. Im not going to ramble about whats happened but she has some demons she needs to face. The day she can release her feelings entirely that would be the day we'd both be so happy. I can not stand waking up knowing it takes one encounter with her demons to ruin her whole day. No matter how much fun she may have with me or no matter how much comfort i bring her. It is almost like i haven't done anything helpful for her at all. It really bothers me. I just want her to be happy. And ontop of this, shes dealing with a lot of school work and boys giving her unneeded attention which irritates me as well...it's crazy. Everyday i have to look her in the face and tell myself she loves me just to keep a clear state of mind and prevent myself from overthinking. I must tell you that there are so many case scenarios i could feel my mind inching upon but i am fighting to suppress it so i can stay relaxed and chill. I always wonder things about her. I wonder if things can be too good to be true. I wonder if she does so things she knows i wouldn't like but she won't tell me anyway. There's so much but then i always conclude i just have to trust her if she trusts me. I experienced a lot of horrible things girls have done when i was interested in them. And the Same excuse of not actually dating is always thrown into my face. In my opinion, if you really have strong feelings for me and i have strong feelings for you i will dedicate myself to you. I will lock my attention on you. See where we can go. I dont like being able to do stuff with others and it can be ok. That blows my mind in a terrible way. It's like an excuse to keep you as a fall back or main hoe while the person can go and do they thang. Nah. No. Whoever actually treats people like that is trife. Keep it real. If there's other people lemme know. Don't let me think im the only one. I'm not saying Miss is this way!! Im just explaining my view upon in case anyone is wondering. I just felt like venting for a little bit. I will start to update this as my school year progresses. Wish me luck. I hope me and miss can build something. I'm trying my best to deal with her problems with her and be here for her. No other guy is like me. Im the best for her. I want her so much...im tired. I'll blog ya later people. Cupid, out.

A Special Lady

Even as i know i want to start writing i am still at a lost for words cause not only is my heart in pain but i have done something very wrong. I know this girl, who i must say is a very wonderful person. She seems to have the answer to everything, and she is quite comic. She will not hesitate to tell you the truth but she does have sympathy for when it is needed. She was always there for me when i needed help. She would help me with things without even asking sometimes i found her more and more interesting. Although i loved how she helped me, i really enjoyed her company. We would have very intriguing conversations and from time to time we would have a good laugh. She calls me Rookie. I always found this funny. She is so full of knowledge that i do not possess that she must insist of belittling me, although i like the concept of it. However, she is currently in a life or death situation, and i was not there when i should have been to help her. And i do not know exactly what to do now. I never saw this coming. I never wanted to lose her. She means so much to me. I really love her as a person. She is better then half the people i know who claim themselves as my best friend. The whole reason behind her leaving is my own jealousy. I got mad over something that has happened and i just could not seem to get over it. So in order to fix the situation she is being removed from. But this does not seem right to me. I can get over whatever it is on my own, i wish for her to remain in my life. I should have not agreed earlier but at it seemed like i had no power to fix it. The days afterwards i was so confused on how she is or where she will go. Somehow i knew in my mind i wanted to figure out how to get her to stay. But i think i may have acted too late. She is highly upset with me, cause of all she has ever done for me, i could not be there to help her. And this is all my fault. It is one of the worst pains i have ever felt in a long time. I am practically killing someone, someone who is beautiful and deserves life. Sure she may have made some choices i may not have agreed with but still she has rights to do as she pleases, she is not entitled to me. I am shedding tears for her. Her phone is off, and here i am suffering at the idea of killing her. She does not deserve this. God made her to live and do wonderful things, not die for someone else's problem. And i know i have to fix this immediately, even if it may jeopardize things, but id rather keep a life and be in pain then allow someone to die over my own issue and be even worse. I want to tell her im sorry and hold her tightly to me, but what will this do? Things are already too far deep in. I want to tell her how heart broken i am with the fact i may loose her. I want her to know what she meant to me. I want her to stay here forever. I am still growing mentally and things are getting better but still need improvement. But there is always room for improvement. And even when she is on the brink of her end she still insists on helping me. I feel like a really bad person. I feel like the reason why she does not care for people too much. I feel like i am the type of thing she would protect from.I can not write anymore it is hurting me too much...i just hope i can get her stay. If she can stay i will be one happy person.

A Curse

A brain full of space where knowledge is meant to be

Yet it is filled will all these things that are easy to believe

Open textbooks speak about what we are supposed to know

To write on those dead trees to ascertain a letter to grow 

A figure dressed up to stand in your way

Motivated and taught by other minds to teach you what to say

But such a character was never taught to teach you deeper stuff

The buildings with the bags and pens never taught us about feelings and love

Endless nights trying to push to finish your research

Writing so hard your fingers begin to blister while your head hurts

They told us to be diligent and manage our time right

But they do not think about the souls who are sad and cry themselves to sleep at night

Maybe it is a struggle that is worth the pain and suffering

With all the problems you may have while you just keep wondering

If the day will come when you can quench your successful thirst

Or if you will remain trapped in your mind under the school's curse

Never Ending

The past few days have been very calming and relaxed surprisingly. I have not been really stressing the things i normally would, however there is still some proof of over thinking here and there but it is beginning to relax. Sadly it took me to just stop caring about everything in order to suppress the over thinking in the first place. If anything were to have happen i probably would have just brushed it off as if it was supposed to happen anyway. This is with any situation that could have came my way.  But now i brought my feelings back in to place so i am choosing wisely what to care about and what not to care about. If i put too much of an effort into something and it goes wrong it might degrade my mental progress. I am quite fearful that something can trigger my over thinking still, but right now i am hoping it is permanently subdued. I smile more, i'm getting my sense of humor back, little things are not bothering me as much, and i can talk to the special person without thinking i will lose them easily. It is a good feeling. The next thing i need to work on now is building up my confidence and stop letting my insecurities get the best of me sometimes. Maybe by then i can be quite a guy.

An Apology

Lately i have been studying myself and i have finally come to a conclusion. So i been talking to a special person for quite some time now. We are practically meant for each other i may say. But i notice that she has not been so fond of my over-thinking dilemmas and my jealousy of this one particular person. In reality, i would say my only concern as of one right now is this guy. Now i have no problem with him except the possibility he may try to do things with her. That is really it. So being i overthink, i make up too many scenarios which begins to bother me. Ultimately this leads to me affecting this special persons mood. I trust her completely hanging out with this guy although i have some fear of something happening. But even if anything does come about i will not hold anything against her cause i know it was not her fault. I have been texting her relentlessly which is a very bad thing being this other kid she knows does it and it is quite annoying. But the only reason why i did this is because i did not her from her all day. But this is not a good excuse cause i could have texted at least one good time and just wait. But i need her company so bad cause i just felt so down and bad for getting so riled up over this guy. I am better then this, and i know how she feels about me doesnt compare to her feelings towards anyone else. And this is my fault entirely for letting anything get this bad and far. I really hope she can forgive me for all the problems and all the texts i been sending her. Cause quite frankly all this nonsense is not even worth losing her over. I love her, and i need to start proving it in a better manner.