Smiling Again

Here's a quick update on how everything has been going. So my school year is already getting pretty hectic, filled with a lot of work and projects that have yet to come. Unfortunately i have never found myself caught in so much drama in such a short amount of time. So Miss has started talking to her Ex again. The guy who almost crushed without an apology and left her heart astray. She decided to speak to him and he started to vent almost immediately. He talked about hi suffering of ignoring her for all that time and still loving her. Me quite frankly i dont know how to feel, but i know i want to be happy for Miss for finally relieving herself of this burden. She was dying to hear from him and now she has her wish. She does not trust him quite yet and i dont blame her. It's great he apologized but there's so emotion behind him. I feel unusual about the fact that he may love her and chase her. Although she does not want a relationship, i dont want any guy challenging my grasp on her heart. I would be broken to pieces if someone else can hold her heart in their hands instead of me. I wish to be her one and only male company in a lovely manner. So far it seems no one can compare to me. I feel like i am just right for her. But then again i dont feel right for her at all. It's such a annoying thing to deal with mentally. A couple days ago there's was this horrible incident where i came to school and my closer friends started saying she was flirting and mingling with her ex. Now it did not really bother me at first cause i trust her enough to know she would at least tell me herself if it anything was going on. But it seems like the more people kept pressing me and the more i thought about it i just started to feel at a lost to maintain my overthinking. Then she came out from her practice walking with him happily. At that moment i shifted into a darker area of my mind. But in reality she was only happy that things were going so well. She read in her play called murder and got a part i believe. Im so proud. Anyways, not knowing that i didnt acknowledge her presence, it seemed as though ppl were ignoring her. So she kept walking with him. I just remember walking with Megan and i ended up losing myself cause i wanted to know who started the rumor of them talking. When i confronted the person their explanation only exaggerated things. Then my friend begins to cry. And i grow frustrated and i storm off trying to relax to not make the situation seem so bad. Then i stumble upon the tall guy who sat depressed, but far beyond i ever seen. My friend then makes attempts to confront Miss and him i follow behind her. Something about watching Miss and him walk together made me feel so hot inside, then i remember cursing and marching away. Next thing i remember is running into a stair well where i see Miss standing there. She's watching me...with a disturbing look in her eyes. I wanted to stand by the bars behind her to think for a second but she insisted i should sit down. But as things grew harder to explain she stormed away. At that moment i knew it wasnt even worth stressing over cause her happiness was in jeopardy. I never seen her so hurt and tired. I almost could not bear the sight. We eventually stumble outside, a mess and emotional. I tried my best to calm her down as well as myself. But she was past her limits...way past. Death lurked inside her body. After people finding out of the drama, i ended talking face to face with him. I looked into his eyes and i felt the need to forgive him. I'm not sure why but i felt no need to feel any animosity towards him. But i still do not trust him. Im jealous of him. Anyways, the he started talking about Miss's life and what either of us should do. He admits he will keep chasing her, as i say i dont say i will directly but i know I'll never leave her side regardless of what i ms to her. But i fear the day she trusts him, will she still love me? Or fall back in love with him? Who knows. So afterwards the tall guy ran away. Everyone was convinced he was going to commit suicide. So me and Miss go looking for him, but she ends up on the phone with him and he says he's coming back. So as we walk back to the school a truck starts to come and Miss stands in the way. I never wanted to yank her arm off so badly or shove her. Im still not sure if she was going to try to kill herself at that moment had i not pull her, but it hurts me to know that she would leave me here all alone missing her so much knowing she won't come back. I dont think she understands how many ppl will be broken without her. A lot of ppl care about her. I know i do. I love her. I genuinely love her. And i understand why she got so mad at me when i talked about suicide. I dont ever want her to leave. Eventually we end up seeing tall guy i hug him, she hugs him too. It was such a relief. We decide too see our band teacher but Miss practically faints multiple times in my arms. But she pushed on. What a strong girl i tell you. Two days ago we had a band trip. It bothered me on how jealous i got that day. I really wanted her to sit next to me but she wanted to sit alone. However he gives her headphones but in order for him to use them she must sit next to him. Idek why but this upset me. I didnt like the idea of him making her laugh or smile while she lays on him the same way i do. Especially knowing his intentions intersect mine. It's annoying but by the end of the day there's not much to do about it. It's about what makes her shoot that matters to me. I just wished i didnt stress him so much. This was once her most special person and now he's more mature a better supposedly? I dont know how i can compare to him in her eyes, but I'm trying to maintain confidence within myself. I dont want to lose it, otherwise i will go insane over the thought of losing her. I love finding something or someone i really like. I try to hold onto it for as long as i can. However; i always ruin it for myself due to pessimistic nonsense. I cant ever win. I saw her yesterday. It always feels good to see her. There's something about her presence that makes me feel like nothing matters. It's just me and her. I love the feeling so much. It makes me forget everything i overthink about, and in those moments i have with her, i feel like she is my lady, my woman, my heart, my Faith. And i wish i could be in her company forever. She makes me smile. I'm smiling right now. I got to go though people im so tired i just felt the need to share. Talk to you soon.

Severe Confusion

So i have not blogged in quite some time so i figured i should give everyone a little update on how i am doing. Well for the most part, i survived the summer. Dedicating your heart to someone who goes through a lot is not as easy as it may sound on paper. If you really care you will be there from beginning to end of any situation that happens. I'm going to name this special Miss. Miss is one of thee most beautiful woman in my life.  I can talk to her for hours and hours and hours. I can not go a day without her. I am convinced i love her. From every second i breathe i think of her. I think of her when i wake up, all the way up until i fall asleep. I am absolutely addicted to this girl. This summer has been pretty hard for me as far as her. I came to realize that she does not want anything from me relationship wise and i just have to deal with it. I question sometimes if she only looks at me as friend while she believes that she loves me. But i understand where she's coming from however. She does not believe in public display of affection , but sometimes I'd like her to show me off. It's almost as if she wants to hide me from all her male friends. It's like she doesn't want any guy to know how she feels about me. And yet i always tell girls im talking to someone  or whatever the case maybe. I'd hope im not making a relationship out of this cause she can do whatever she wants. But i really do not want to play any games. This is the bad side of things though. Now she has been going through so much it's literally sickening. I can not stand all the things that happen to her. Im not going to ramble about whats happened but she has some demons she needs to face. The day she can release her feelings entirely that would be the day we'd both be so happy. I can not stand waking up knowing it takes one encounter with her demons to ruin her whole day. No matter how much fun she may have with me or no matter how much comfort i bring her. It is almost like i haven't done anything helpful for her at all. It really bothers me. I just want her to be happy. And ontop of this, shes dealing with a lot of school work and boys giving her unneeded attention which irritates me as well...it's crazy. Everyday i have to look her in the face and tell myself she loves me just to keep a clear state of mind and prevent myself from overthinking. I must tell you that there are so many case scenarios i could feel my mind inching upon but i am fighting to suppress it so i can stay relaxed and chill. I always wonder things about her. I wonder if things can be too good to be true. I wonder if she does so things she knows i wouldn't like but she won't tell me anyway. There's so much but then i always conclude i just have to trust her if she trusts me. I experienced a lot of horrible things girls have done when i was interested in them. And the Same excuse of not actually dating is always thrown into my face. In my opinion, if you really have strong feelings for me and i have strong feelings for you i will dedicate myself to you. I will lock my attention on you. See where we can go. I dont like being able to do stuff with others and it can be ok. That blows my mind in a terrible way. It's like an excuse to keep you as a fall back or main hoe while the person can go and do they thang. Nah. No. Whoever actually treats people like that is trife. Keep it real. If there's other people lemme know. Don't let me think im the only one. I'm not saying Miss is this way!! Im just explaining my view upon in case anyone is wondering. I just felt like venting for a little bit. I will start to update this as my school year progresses. Wish me luck. I hope me and miss can build something. I'm trying my best to deal with her problems with her and be here for her. No other guy is like me. Im the best for her. I want her so much...im tired. I'll blog ya later people. Cupid, out.